Ambition, or Hating Yourself and Loving It
am-bi-tion
Pronunciation: \am-'bi-shən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Latin; Middle French, from Latin ambition-, ambitio, literally, act of soliciting for votes, from ambire
Date: 14th century
I've been thinking a lot about ambition lately -- about where it comes from, and whether it's a good or bad thing.
I grew up believing that ambition was paramount. Contentment was a dirty word, a state of mind which necessarily breeds stagnation, and which should be left to the inept and the elderly; we should never be content with ourselves and our lot in life, or we won't strive to better ourselves, I thought. Or think. I'm not sure. (That is the question.)
Ambition is a central concept to Chinese (even Asian) culture and outlook. Chinese parents foster ambition in their children in ways which seem brutal to those with a more Western outlook. I understand this, and hold no ill-will towards mine. My mother was ever watchful for and quick to quash laziness and complacency in her daughter. Through my elementary schooling, she rode me hard to achieve academically, and nothing was ever good enough. I remember breaking down in tears in class over test scores as high as 99%. My concerned or incredulous fellow students thought I was exaggerating when I explained how angry my mother would be, but I wasn't paranoid. I held back tears as I met my mother at the school gate, and when I showed her my exam, the first words out of her mouth would be "Only 99%?" I knew the rest of the evening would be spent listening to tirades about how careless I was and how much harder I needed to study. Even if I scored full marks, she'd never show any outward pride or affirmation, instead reminding me of past mistakes and counseling me not to become too confident lest I slip up the next time.
Here's the worst thing my parents ever did. I tell you this not to feel sorry for myself or shock you, but to illustrate how the will to achieve is forced upon kids by the culture in which I was raised. When I was three or four, I threw a tantrum because I didn't want to study. My parents tied me up, stuffed a tea towel into my mouth, and put me in a sack. I remember the smell and taste of the cloth between my teeth, and the tears running down my face and pooling under my cheek. The sack was made of some kind of polyester, which left me stifled and hot as I struggled and tried to scream. While I lay on the floor, they talked within earshot about how useless I was if I didn't work hard, and how they might as well dump me in Musgrave Park to be raised by Aborigines, who would make me drink metho.
This abhorrence, fear almost, of my laziness extended into my adulthood. When I was 24, for example, my mother and I had an enormous fight on the phone because she accused me of being lazy and having fun instead of working hard. At the time, I was working fifteen hours a day at three separate jobs.
I don't think this is particularly unusual for Chinese parents; it's far from the worst story I've heard (I was never kicked across a room, or threatened with amputation, or chained to a toilet). The point is that my parents, like many of their culture, deliberately and systematically undermined my self-esteem to engender ambition. I worked hard because I didn't want to be useless, and they worked hard to make me believe that uselessness was always a possibility. I wanted to make them proud, and they worked hard not to show they were proud so I would keep on working. They did this because, within their culture, doing so is an act of love. They believe that giving a child that unquenchable thirst for achievement is the best thing one can do as a parent, that the result might be the next Einstein or Mozart. It might be hard on your children in the short term, but in the end, they'll thank you, or if they don't, you'll at least know you did what needed to be done.
What makes people do great things? What drives individuals to earn more money than they could ever spend, or practice an instrument until they are the best in the world, or train until they win an Olympic medal, or ignore personal relationships for art, or kill themselves studying radium? It seems common sense to me that many of the most successful people in the world are driven by the same kind of neurosis, stamped upon them by parents or circumstances in the same way. We're never good enough, we have to try to be good enough, we keep trying, sacrificing everything. Some succeed, some don't, but success on that level isn't possible without that abnormal drive. If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, the greater part of genius is the ability to make the effort.
(Not that I'm a genius. Logic - cats - four legs.)
But this affects us in other ways too. We catastrophize. When your whole life is spent imagining the worst in order to avoid it and capitalizing on the intoxicatingly potent power of self-hatred, it can be hard to turn that off. Unfortunately, while such a schema might succeed when you're finding the motivation to improve a test score from 99% to 100% or impress people with your myriad accomplishments, it might mean that you assume the worst in personal relationships, that you're crippled by feelings of inadequacy. The very thing that makes you do the great things you were programmed to do necessitates terrible insecurities that sabotage happiness.
I'm trying to figure out where my priorities lie. What do I want out of life? Is it OK to be content after all? Should there be compromise, and where should the compromise intersect the opposing viewpoints? I'm struggling with that question. There's a large part of me that still holds contentment in contempt and believes in the schema. But another part sees the damage that it causes and wonders if it's worth it. I don't know what the answer is, or what will come of it. We'll see, I guess.
Pronunciation: \am-'bi-shən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French or Latin; Middle French, from Latin ambition-, ambitio, literally, act of soliciting for votes, from ambire
Date: 14th century
- a: an ardent desire for rank, fame, or power
b: desire to achieve a particular end - the object of ambition <her ambition is to start her own business>
- a desire for activity or exertion <felt sick and had no ambition>
The noble Brutus hath told you Caesar was ambitious: if it were so, it was a grievous fault, and grievously hath Caesar answered it.
I've been thinking a lot about ambition lately -- about where it comes from, and whether it's a good or bad thing.
I grew up believing that ambition was paramount. Contentment was a dirty word, a state of mind which necessarily breeds stagnation, and which should be left to the inept and the elderly; we should never be content with ourselves and our lot in life, or we won't strive to better ourselves, I thought. Or think. I'm not sure. (That is the question.)
Ambition is a central concept to Chinese (even Asian) culture and outlook. Chinese parents foster ambition in their children in ways which seem brutal to those with a more Western outlook. I understand this, and hold no ill-will towards mine. My mother was ever watchful for and quick to quash laziness and complacency in her daughter. Through my elementary schooling, she rode me hard to achieve academically, and nothing was ever good enough. I remember breaking down in tears in class over test scores as high as 99%. My concerned or incredulous fellow students thought I was exaggerating when I explained how angry my mother would be, but I wasn't paranoid. I held back tears as I met my mother at the school gate, and when I showed her my exam, the first words out of her mouth would be "Only 99%?" I knew the rest of the evening would be spent listening to tirades about how careless I was and how much harder I needed to study. Even if I scored full marks, she'd never show any outward pride or affirmation, instead reminding me of past mistakes and counseling me not to become too confident lest I slip up the next time.
Here's the worst thing my parents ever did. I tell you this not to feel sorry for myself or shock you, but to illustrate how the will to achieve is forced upon kids by the culture in which I was raised. When I was three or four, I threw a tantrum because I didn't want to study. My parents tied me up, stuffed a tea towel into my mouth, and put me in a sack. I remember the smell and taste of the cloth between my teeth, and the tears running down my face and pooling under my cheek. The sack was made of some kind of polyester, which left me stifled and hot as I struggled and tried to scream. While I lay on the floor, they talked within earshot about how useless I was if I didn't work hard, and how they might as well dump me in Musgrave Park to be raised by Aborigines, who would make me drink metho.
This abhorrence, fear almost, of my laziness extended into my adulthood. When I was 24, for example, my mother and I had an enormous fight on the phone because she accused me of being lazy and having fun instead of working hard. At the time, I was working fifteen hours a day at three separate jobs.
I don't think this is particularly unusual for Chinese parents; it's far from the worst story I've heard (I was never kicked across a room, or threatened with amputation, or chained to a toilet). The point is that my parents, like many of their culture, deliberately and systematically undermined my self-esteem to engender ambition. I worked hard because I didn't want to be useless, and they worked hard to make me believe that uselessness was always a possibility. I wanted to make them proud, and they worked hard not to show they were proud so I would keep on working. They did this because, within their culture, doing so is an act of love. They believe that giving a child that unquenchable thirst for achievement is the best thing one can do as a parent, that the result might be the next Einstein or Mozart. It might be hard on your children in the short term, but in the end, they'll thank you, or if they don't, you'll at least know you did what needed to be done.
What makes people do great things? What drives individuals to earn more money than they could ever spend, or practice an instrument until they are the best in the world, or train until they win an Olympic medal, or ignore personal relationships for art, or kill themselves studying radium? It seems common sense to me that many of the most successful people in the world are driven by the same kind of neurosis, stamped upon them by parents or circumstances in the same way. We're never good enough, we have to try to be good enough, we keep trying, sacrificing everything. Some succeed, some don't, but success on that level isn't possible without that abnormal drive. If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, the greater part of genius is the ability to make the effort.
(Not that I'm a genius. Logic - cats - four legs.)
But this affects us in other ways too. We catastrophize. When your whole life is spent imagining the worst in order to avoid it and capitalizing on the intoxicatingly potent power of self-hatred, it can be hard to turn that off. Unfortunately, while such a schema might succeed when you're finding the motivation to improve a test score from 99% to 100% or impress people with your myriad accomplishments, it might mean that you assume the worst in personal relationships, that you're crippled by feelings of inadequacy. The very thing that makes you do the great things you were programmed to do necessitates terrible insecurities that sabotage happiness.
I'm trying to figure out where my priorities lie. What do I want out of life? Is it OK to be content after all? Should there be compromise, and where should the compromise intersect the opposing viewpoints? I'm struggling with that question. There's a large part of me that still holds contentment in contempt and believes in the schema. But another part sees the damage that it causes and wonders if it's worth it. I don't know what the answer is, or what will come of it. We'll see, I guess.
- New dresses at dadadress urrr urrrr want want urrrr
- On Saturday, I'm seeing Encounters At the End of the World. <3 to Werner Herzog.
Labels: psychobabble
posted by Mormolyke at
23:15
12 Comments:
If I may soapbox, for a moment:
Any parents who would abuse (notice I did not use the words 'discipline' or 'punishment') their child as motivation for success in any field is not motivated by the child's well-being. They are motivated by the wholly selfish idea that "If I raise a brilliant child, it will reflect well on me!" This no doubt stems from the fact that their parents never gave them the acknowledgement they deserved as children, so they still crave it in adulthood, and the only way to get it is to have a brilliant child.
At what point will the child have achieved enough to earn praise? Doctorates? Law degrees? Political office? National acclaim in the arts? Never? Why succeed in things if you don't get enjoyment out of it? Can you ever picture doing something that makes your mother happy? If not, why bother doing ANY of it since you'll only earn her displeasure regardless? If she doesn't like it, why don't you tie her up in a burlap bag until she sees things your way?
I'm sorry but this has made me irrationally angry. I have plenty more to say but I'll have to leave it with this for now. To be continued.
I can understand this... Jewish people have done this sort of thing for a long time also. My parents never went to the extent that yours did, and I'm glad about that, but there was a definite push to succeed - especially from my father.
Even so, I think it's good that you recognise that your parents behaviour was motivated by a desire to have you be as successful and happy as possible.
It allows for a better relationship with them, and also with yourself as you've got a more positive idea of how your personality developed. In fact, I'm of the opinion that your recognition of their good intentions is more important than whether or not they actually had good intentions. This is one of those situations where it's better to be wrong and happy than right and bitter.
First ... what Sean Piece wrote.
Second ... one of my aunties gave me a very simple piece of advice many, many years ago that I remind myself of from time to time: "All things in moderation." I think it takes years to really understand it.
s.
To continue where I left off:
Ambition in an of itself is no vice. Nor is it a virtue. The question is, what are you striving for and why? It's little wonder that you're reconsidering your unending drive to achieve, since it was beaten into you by dissaproving parents.
I've always been impressed by both your talents in many, many fields, and your desire to continue widening your range of interest. Self-improvement is something I admire greatly. But I think the motivation for the thing can mean just as much as the thing itself. Things motivated by fear are unhealthy. A fear of disapproval shouldn't be the fire under you. You'll only get higher blood pressure and grayer hair and perpetually sad and angry conversations. Give yourself your own goals. If those include overachieving, then great! If you want to sit on your butt and watch cartoons, that's great too.
I'm probably rambling at this point ... but I agree with slb, about the moderation.
Hello love. In a series of borglink moments, I just this moment finished reading an article on the same subject in today's paper. To make it worse, the authority giving the interview about ambition instilled in her by her Chinese mother is a certain Shong-ish violin player. To make it worse, I myself am struggling with the same issues after six months of a 40 contact hour week of study plus three jobs. I won't even reproduce my schedule. It makes me feel sick, and yet still like a failure. If I can do three jobs and manage them plus study and attend class, then I must not be working hard enough. I should have four jobs.
We won't stop until we fail at something and we won't let ourselves fail at anything so we work ourselves into the ground. Or, if we did fail, we'd work harder still, but with more fear driving us. And then our relationships suffer because we don't know how to relax and people don't understand why we alweys put future successes and oportunities ahead of relaxing with loved ones right now. They think they come second to our careers; we don't understand why they don't see the bigger picuture and how working hard now won't be forever, it's all an effort to secure a future where we won't work like slaves. But that future never comes. It's also the can't-say-no-to-anything- syndrome, which is how the disease was passed to me. As in, don't turn anythiing down becasue you never know who you might meet and what it could lead to. Whioch also means, don't fail at anything because people are watching you.
I think contentment itself is the greatest personal achievement anyone can attain. True contentment is more profound than mere happiness - it's being perfectly satisfied with yourself and everything in your life.
What's the point in accomplishing anything if you don't allow yourself any satisfaction from it? Sure, maybe it's not good enough and you want more. But at some point, you have to settle with what you've done and what you've got, and spend your time enjoying that instead of still striving for more.
In short, strive ambitiously to achieve contentment. :)
(The hard part is deciding when to settle...)
-rt
My mother has never been good at relaxing; she thinks if she has time to sit and relax, it must be because there is something she should be doing and she is slacking. She and my father both instilled a level of "your best can be better" in me and my siblings, and I believe that, but not at the expense of sanity or contentment. As a result, I am the family bohemian.
Mel, you have always amazed me. You are one of the smartest people I know. You're certainly the most talented person I know and probably the most interesting one to hang out with. Give yourself permission to be content. You achieve more in an average week than any other 5-10 people I know. You're allowed to sit back on your laurels every once in a while, and you certainly are allowed to look at your amazing life (and it is amazing!!) and tell yourself, "Damn, I am one fucking fantastic woman!" because you are.
The internerd ate my post, which was probably just as well. As Alexei Sayle said of Allo Allo, it went on longer than World War II and caused almost as many casualties. I agree with almost all of the above except the suggestion that "your parents behaviour was motivated by a desire to have you be as successful and happy as possible..." Sorry, but you don't tie a four year old into a sack and threaten to offload them on the local alco's. That's child abuse by any definition of the term. And globally excusing this as Chinese culture isn't viable. I'd like to think this had more to do with your Mum's mental state being all over the shop than an endemic culture of child abuse in Chinese communities, lest we end up having to arm DOCS like the SAS and send them into affluent Asian neighbourhoods on a search-and-rescue remit. Which, being DOCS, they would fuck up on a grand scale. Parenting's fucking scary. It's the job you're least trained to do and the only one that you do for life - and that's if you do it properly, best case scenario. And we all do what we think is best (I know I am. It's a shambles but a well meaning one. But there won't be any thermonuclear toys-out-of-pram moments over Lucas missing the last 1% in an exam, of that I can assure you.) But the ability to discern doing right from doing wrong doesn't go out the window just because you want your kid to achieve. And if they don't? More accurately, when they don't? Because I can't think of a single high-achieving type who's lived up to the ambition or the expectations of themselves or, more aptly, their clawing, grasping parents (and this isn't Meltos we're talking about, or even Luce, but plenty of others I went through school and/or uni with) Probably because there IS no living up to those sorts of expectations. I live by pragmatism and reason as both a function of my work life (freelance protector of the Darwin fish) and as a personal philosophy, but I got that from the old man - 'question everything and figure it out for yourself' was his approach to religion, science, the media etc. I may lack ambition to take over the world and I may not fret as much as I should when things aren't perfect. But I'm good at the stuff I'm good at and serviceable at the rest, and am pragmatic enough to manage my life around my limitations, such as they are.
Much as I'd love to think you could choose to follow my happiness-is-paramount rather than ambition-is-paramount approach, and that platitudes like 'Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff' might solve all your probs - they ain't. You are who you are because of your parents, your upbringing, your mental state (and for once I don't mean Queensland) and the complicated interplay of all the above. Which we love you for, but you'll never be able to logically argue yourself around. You'll always be driven, always be unprepared to accept anything less than perfection, always compel yourself to illness in order to silence the voices inside screeching at you to be perfect. I don't envy that at all. But I'd love for you to prove me wrong.
In summation:
(1) Your parents were a bit shit;
(2) They probably thought they were doing best, but so did Hitler, Joe McCarthy, Johnny Howard and Nickelback;
(3) No matter what you do, you'll beat yourself up thinking you can do it better;
(4) No matter what you do, we love you and think you're fucking stellar;
(5) There is no point 5;
(6) You need to spend a lot longer in front of a mirror, looking yourself in the eye and declaring 'I'm shit hot, ask me how';
(7) It's just as well your ambition to take over the world isn't going to be realised, because the less fortunate amongst us can shakily remember playing 'Presidents and Arseholes' against you in the Hovel. For those not crushed under the wheels of President Schlong's Cultural Revolution, let's say the words 'Mel' and 'benevolent dictatorship' aren't likely to be mentioned in the same sentence ever again. If it wasn't for the statute of limitations, I'd invoice you for a replacement liver.
Meh. I didn't say (or mean) that behaviour like that should be tolerated - or that it was successful. Just that if you bring yourself to understand the motivation behind it, and possibly even forgive it, it will allow for a closer relationship with your parents.
Having my Dad nearly die from a heart attack a month ago brought back to my whole family that a close relationship now is more important to all of us than hanging onto old arguments.
YMMV
I agree that moderation is the key to anything. This issue is confusing; it's a paradox: if you're not content, what's the poing in living, but if you don't achieve, can you be content?
I think that a lot of that boils down to being comfortable in your own skin and, and it seems like what you're parents have done can only stand to undermine that self-confidence and self-acceptance; not build it up.
I agree, also, with the Hitler analogy: most people don't see themselves as ill-intentioned people... as far as that goes, it's not my place to pass judgement on what your parents do, though it does seem a misguided way to raise a child, well-intentioned or no...
The very fact that all of your hard work, volunteerism and study has lead to some unhealthiness should be enough to show you that you're pushing yourself way too hard. Life is a work in progress; if you get to the "top" too soon, where do you have to go from there? That's basically the philosophy that I've applied to the music that you, Matt and I have worked on over the years. It may not be exactly where I want it to be at this moment, but I'm learning from what we do and I can take pride in whatever it is that we achieve with that. It gives me not only a foundation on which to grow, but a benchmark of my own successes (and failures) in life. That's why I ignore all the voices saying, "This is good, but it needs vocals". If and when the time is right for that, if good lyrics are at hand, great. If that means a smaller audience or less appreciation of what I do with my music, so be it... I make music primarily for the joy of creation and experimentation... if someday I gain from that financially, great; no big deal.
It's a shame to see all of the accolades from others go in one ear and out the other while the criticism of your parents prevents you from taking true joy in your many, many achievements! I'm usually the last person to talk about pride, but there is a time when pride is a good thing - and you should be proud of what you are and what you've done!
I apologize for bringing up the issue of marriage, but, just the fact that someone as awesome as Matt would choose to be with you, to give that kind of commitment to you, should reflect well on you and should bring a measure of self-satisfaction and contentment.
I understand where a dislike of the concept of contentment can come from, but that's looking at a worst-case scenario! being content doesn't mean that you have to sit around and do NOTHING with your life; it does mean that you can RELAX a little, and take some time off to just enjoy being alive... as much as I personally get like that from time to time with music (with me it's more impatience than anything), I'm grateful that Matt has tried to keep me in check and not make every minute of our friendship about making music, as huge of a portion of my life as that is; as hard as it is to find anything else to talk about. ;p
The issue makes me think of the lyrics to 'Parabola': "...Swirling round with this familiar parable.
Spinning, weaving round each new experience.
Recognize this as a holy gift and celebrate this
Chance to be alive and breathing
Chance to be alive and breathing.
This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality.
Embrace this moment. remember. we are eternal.
All this pain is an illusion."
I think that you need to stop and ask yourself before committing to a project/endeavor whether you want to do it because you will enjoy it, or because it's something that you feel you need to do to improve yourself somehow. Everyone needs to do some shit in their lives that they don't want to do; it's great to go to school, etc., but I get the feeling that your life revolves around doing what you feel that you need to do, and convincing yourself that it makes you happy... Do what really makes you happy and fuck what anyone else wants or expects from you. It's your life.
Jordan said, "if you're not content, what's the point in living ... "
Hmm ... well I disagree with that part. Discontent is a tremendous motivator. It presses you with the need to change yourself or the things or people around you, which can lead to great accomplishments. And some of the greatest works of art are passionate expressions of grief, anger or suffering.
So I used to believe that happiness and great achievement were mutually exclusive (somewhat like the premise of your original post Mel). If you're toiling hard enough to achieve something big, I thought, there must be something bothering you badly enough to do it. Maybe it's not necessarily true; I'm still unsure.
To reconcile this with my original post: note the key word "personal" there.
-rt
If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration
That's a big "if", don't you think? I'm sure that Spartan style of parenting can lead to greatness, but so has supportive, less aggressive parenting. To use your example, Einstein was not gagged and put into a sack.
You're a gifted person, and perhaps your young childhood prepared you for this. Maybe I could have been acclimated to that abuse, but without joking, I think I would have burned the house down.
My parents did not set standards as high as yours. Junior year of high school, my father punched me in face face for a C in pre-calculus. (I shudder at the thought of what would have happened to you if you got a C.)
When my jaw smashed into the coffee table as I reeled, a tooth was knocked loose. It eventually fell out. (It was in the back, and in a neat twist, allowed a wisdom tooth to come in with no difficulty.) This was the worst, but not only, incident of this kind.
This kind of treatment did not cause me to strive. (Maybe you're made of stronger stuff, maybe just different.) It did cause me to fantasize about murdering my father.
What was ingrained in me was a desire to beat/cheat the system: I sought ways to superficially succeed without working hard. In one case in particular, I "outdid" myself in a class. When my father expressed pride in me (which my parents always did when I deserved), I told him point blank that his pride meant nothing to me, and then provided him with proof that I had cheated in the class. (Being of Irish criminal stock, my family never would have ratted me out to the school.)
I guess I was motivated, in a way, to hate authority, honest work and to never accept rules as handed to me. I was trained to be a great liar, bullshiter and procrastinator.
You will no doubt have more success than me in whatever endeavor you enter. But I'm pretty sure I had more fun in high school and college.
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